This Is A Collection Of Children Jokes, Adult Jokes, Women
Jokes, Lawyer Jokes, Christian Jokes, Men Jokes, killing jokes, top funny jokes
for kids, racist jokes, racial jokes, Sports Jokes, Funny Text Jokes, Funniest
Jokes And Religious Jokes.
#1. AKPOS
AND WIFE FIGHT
Akpos and his wife had a fight. After the fight,
the wife went into the bedroom. A few minutes later, Akpos also trooped into
the bedroom only to find his wife busy packing her suitcase!
He asked: “You’re packing! Where are you going?”
She answered: “To my mother”.
Akpos paused for a while and also got his big
brown leather suitcase and started packing his clothes. The angry wife stared
at him and said: “You are packing! Where are you going”. Akpos replied: “O’h
yah! I’m going to my mother!” The wife replied,”To your mother? And what about
the 6 Children! Who is going to look after them?” Akpos replied,”You’regoing to
your mother! I’m going to my mother. The 6 Children should also go to their
mother!..
#2. AKPOS
AND HIS FATHER.....
Dad: Who do u like more, mum or Dad?
Akpos: Both.
Dad: Ok, if i go 2 America and ur mum goes 2
Paris, where wil u like 2 stay..?
Akpos: Paris....
Dad: Dat means you like ur mum more...
Akpos: Nooo, I like paris
Dad: Ok, if i go 2 Paris and ur mum goes 2
America, where wil u go...??
Akpos: America [wink]
Dad: [angry] why..???
Akpos: Because i have been 2 Paris before.....
3. IMAGINE
IF THE 3 WISE MEN WERE WOMEN.
1. Dey would have asked 4 directions instead of
following the star.
2. They would have presented gifts such as
pampers, powder, feeding bottle, napkins, Akamu, cerelac and so on.
3. After leaving one would have told the other
''did you see Mary's shoes, they don't match her dress''.
4. One would av also said ''I heard Joseph is not
working, he's just an ordinary carpenter. how can they survive?''
5.Another would have said ''imagine the kind of
dirty environment she delivered, are they didn’t perceiving the bad odour from
de sheep & Goats?''
6. Another would
have also said ''the baby doesn't even resemble Joseph, was she really a
virgin?''.
7. One would have replied ''Virgin indeed, I knew
Mary during SECONDARY SCHOOL days nah. What are u telling me.
8. Another would have been eyeing Joseph.
9. One go de form queen Elizabeth saying
"how can I enter dis dirty place"?...
CHEI! ..... Gals and dia Amebo.
4. A MAN
AND HIS DONKEY
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The
preacher told the man, "this donkey has been trained in a very unique way.
The only way to make the donkey go is to say Hallelujah, and the only way to
make it stop is to say Amen."
The man immediately got on the animal to try out
the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" He shouted. And
immediately the donkey began to trot.
"Amen!" He shouted again, and the
donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great," he said.
With Hallelujah he rode off very proud of his
purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was
heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey
stop.
"STOP!" He blurted, "HALT!"
He blurted again.
The donkey just kept going, "Oh no, Bible!
Church! Please stop!" Cried the man. He was getting closer and closer to
the edge of the cliff. Finally in desperation, the man said a prayer,
"Please, dear God, please make this donkey stop before i go off this
mountain, in Jesus name, AMEN!"
The donkey came to an abrupt stop, just one step
from the edge of the cliff. Immediately the donkey stopped, the man joyously
said, "HALLELUJAH!" Guess what happened to the man…
5. PEARLY
GATES CLOCKS?
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in
front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
''Why all the clocks?''
St. Peter answered, ''Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the
hands on your clock move.''
''Oh'', said the man. ''Whose clock is that?''
''That's Mother Teresa's.'' replied St. Peter.
''The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.''
''Incredible!'', said the man. ''And whose clock
is that one?''
St. Peter responded, ''That's Abraham Lincoln's
clock. The hands have moved Twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies
in his entire life.''
''Where are the clocks of the Ghanaian PRESIDENT
AND Nigerian PRESIDENT?'' asked the man.
St Peter replied, "They are in the office.
We're using them as ceiling fans."
6. GENIUS
AKPOS
The Lecturer said, "let's begin by reviewing
some Nigerian history." The Lecturer asked who said, "I shall return to die in the land of my
fathers?" She saw a sea of
blank faces, except for Akpos, who had
his hand up. Akpos replied: "King Jaja of Opobo, 1875"
"very good!" said lecturer.
Then she asked again, who said, "The land
use act will feed the nation?" Again, no response except from Akpos
Akpos: "Obasanjo, 1976."
The Lecturer snapped at the class; "class,
you should be ashamed. Akpos, who is new to our Country, knows more about our
history than you
do."
The Lecturer heard a loud whisper: "Ghana
must go". "who said that?" she demanded,
Akpos put his hand up, "Buhari 1984."
At that point, a student at the back scornfully
said; "Hmmm, you think you are smart?" The Lecturer glared and asked;
"All right! Now,
who said that?" Again,
Akpos
said,"Babangida to Abiola, 1992." Hmmm, a Student at the back smilled
" I dey laugh ooh"
Akpos smilled back and said Obasanjo to Atiku
2001.
Now furious, another student yelled; "Oh
yeah! Eat this!" Akpos jumped out of his chair waving his hand and
shouting to the Lecturer, "Indian mistress giving an apple to Abacha,
1998". Now, with almost mob hyseria, someone said; "You little shit.
If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Akpos frantically yelled at the top of his voice;
"Chris Uba to Ngige, 2004!"
The Lecturer fainted, and as the class gathered
around her on the floor, someone said; "Oh shit, we're in Big trouble
now!"
Akpos whispered; "Chimaroke Nnamani, Ayodele
Fayose and Lucky Igbinedon 2007"
Someone angrily said; "Dont answer him, he
is a fool" Akpos smiled replied; "Obansanjo to IBB, 2011"
Now the Lecturer manage to get up and asks Akpos;
pls, who're you? Show your self..Akpos jumped, yelled and said; Jonathan to
BOKO HARAM, 2012.
**How Many Like For Akpos!!!**
7. FISHERMAN
AND PROFFESOR
One day,
Akpos the fisherman was travelling with a Professor and the following
conversation ensued:
Professor: Fisherman, do you know Ecology?
Fisherman Akpos: No
Professor: What about Zoology?
Fisherman Akpos: No
Professor: what of Biology?
Fisherman Akpos: I don’t know.
Professor: (irritated) What on Earth do you know
this man your going to die in ignorance.
Two hours later their boat started to sink and
the Professor got scared.
Akpos then asked, “do you know swimminology? ”
Professor: No
Fisherman Akpos: What about Escapology from the
Riverology?
Professor: No
Fisherman Akpos: Today, the Crocodiology is going
to consume your Headology beacause of your bad Mouthology.
8. WHO IS
MORE STUPID
A farmer caught a thief who had been stealing his
yam and decided to drag him to the village square. Half way to the square, the
thief said to the man, “Please, I have forgotten my slippers in the farm, can I
go and get them?” The farmer obliged, “Hurry up! I would be waiting for you
here.” He waited endlessly and realised he had been fooled. He went home and
Told his elder brother what had happened. His
elder brother brutally slapped him and said, “You are extremely dumb! You
should have told the thief to wait while you go get his slippers for him!”
Who is more stupid!
9.A MONK
A man is driving down the road and breaks down
near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and
says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? the monks
graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to
fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what
the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk. The man is disappointed but thanks them
anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down
in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix
his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years
earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the
monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk. The man says, All right, all
right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is
to become a monk, how do I become a monk? The monks reply, You must travel the
earth 🌍and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact
number of sand pebbles When you find
these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some years
later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have
traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232
blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a
monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound. The monks lead the man to a
wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is
locked. He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key,
and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door The man demands the key to the
stone door. The monks give him the key🔑, and he opens it, only to find
a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind
that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, So it went until the man
had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the
monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know end. He unlocks the
door, turns the knob, and behind that
door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he
can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk
Don't be angry at me .. I am
Also searching for the guy who sent me this one
11. AKPOS
SEEKING FOR JOB
Akpors is seeking for a job. This is the
conversation that ensued between Akpos and the interviewer…
Interviewer: Tell me the opposite of Good.
Akpos: Bad.
Interviewer: Come.
Akpos: Go.
Interviewer: Ugly.
Akpos: Fine
Interviewer: Tithe
Akpos: Offering
Interviewer:Demand
Akpos: supply
Interviewer: boko
Akpos: haram
Interviewer: input
Akpos: output
Interviewer: Waec
Akpos : neco
Interviewer: tom
Akpos: jerry
Interviewer:copy
Akpos: paste
Interviewer: point
Akpos: kill
Interviewer: You are wrong!
Akpos: you are right!
Interviewer: Shut up!
Akpos: Keep talking!
Interviewer: Ok, now stop all that.
Akpos: Ok, now start all that.
Interviewer: Get out!
Akpos: Come in!
Interviewer: Oh, my God!
Akpos: Oh, my Devil!
Interviewer: You are Rejected!
Akpos: I’m selected!
Interviewer: you are fired
Akpos: am hired
(The man fain)
12.SILLY
STUDENT
STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a question?
TEACHER: Yes!
STUDENT: How do you put an elephant inside the
fridge?
TEACHER: I don’t know..
STUDENT: It's easy, you just open the fridge and
put it in. I have another question!
TEACHER: Ok, ask.
STUDENT: How do you put a donkey inside the fridge?
TEACHER: It's easy, you just open the fridge and
put it in.
STUDENT: No sir, you just open the fridge take out
the elephant and put it in.
TEACHER: Ooh...ok!!
STUDENT: If all the animals went to the lion's
birthday party, with one animal missing which one would it be?
TEACHER: The lion of course because it would eat
all the animals.
STUDENT: No sir, the donkey because it's still
inside the fridge.
TEACHER: Are you kidding me?
STUDENT: No sir, one last question.
TEACHER: Ok!
STUDENT: If there's a river of crocodiles and you
wanted to cross, how would you?
TEACHER: There's no way, I would need a ladder to
cross.
STUDENT: No sir, you just swim and cross it because
all the animals went to the lion's birthday party....
The teacher fainted…
14. PRISON
I Have Been Thinking About This All
Day.......Nelson Mandela Came Out From Prison And Became President....Obasanjo
Came Out From Prison And became a President.... Burahi came out from prison and
he became a president.....Theodore Orji Left Prison And Became Governor.... Omisore
Iyiola From Prison To Senator....Even Jerry Rawlings From Prison To Head of State....
My Dear Friend, Spending Five Years InPrison Is Far Better Than Spending Five
Years In University....... Even Jomo Kenyatta From Prison To President......Even
In The Bible, Joseph Came Out Of Prison And Became A Prime Minister....You See??Brothers
& Sisters! Please Let Me Advice You. Be Wise.. Just Go To Prison And Become
Something In Life Forget School Jare!!! Don't Say I Don't Tell You
15. WHAT
WILL YOU DO
You entered ur bedroom and saw a strange man
sitting on ur bed u told him to get out but he refuses,u get angry and slaped
him. Amazinly,he vomited #1000 u slaped him again n he vomited#1000. Wat would
you do?
A-Run away
B-Kidnap him
C-Call the police
D-Call ur pastor
E-Continue slapin him.
16. AKPOS
AND JOHNNY
Akpos and johnny went for an interview for
employment. johnny was the first to enter the interviewing office.. (the manager
asking johnny questions).
Manager: who was the first military head of state
in Nigeria???..
Johnny: General Aguyi Ironsi..
Manager: when was the North and southern
protectorate in Nigeria
Amalgamated???.
Johnny: 1914..
Manager: Dat is gud of you..
Question no 3, is it true that the cure for hiv/Aids
is discovered???..
Johnny: eehm.. yes but not scientifically proven…
Manager: good way of answering questions,
Pls can you wait for us outside and we will
attend to you later… (when johnny went outside akpos asked him)..
Akpos: johnny, what are the questions and please
tell me the answers??.. (as johnny was about to tell akpos the questions and answer,
the manager shouted from inside `NEXT’.. Akpos then said to Johnny)..
Akpos: Ok tell me only the answers..
Johnny: answer to number 1 is: General Aguyi
Ironsi, number 2 is=1914,
number 3 is”yes but not scientifically proven” (mumu
Akpos got to d interview, after exchanging greetings, d manager told
him to sit down)
Manager: Please sir, What is ur name?
Akpos : General Aguyi Ironsi (manager became
confused)
Manager: Please what year where you born?
Akpos: 1914
Manager: (angrily, he shouted at Akpos) !! are u
mad?!!!
Akpos: Yes, but not scientifically proven.
Pls describe akpos in a word!?
17. JAMB
RESULT
Papa Akpos: Akpos,I learnt your JAMB result is
out.
Akpors: Yes Daddy You remember John wey dey carry
first for our
whole school? he failed…
Papa Akpos: That’s terrible,what happened?
Akpors: You also remember Paul wey dey teach me
for house? He failed too.
Papa Akpos: what’s causing the poor performance?
Akpos: Daddy I don’t know, na so e be o. Even
Kelvin who won the Cowbell competition failed too.
Papa Akpos: so how was your own result?
Akpos: You also remember OKON, our senior
prefect? He failed.
Papa Akpos: (Angrily) Boy, Tell me about your own
result!!
Akpos : (angrily) If all those people failed, do
you expect me to pass, I be witch?
18. AKPOS
& HIS WIFE !!
Akpos comes back from work. As he enters the
sitting room, his wife asked:
Wife: Darling! Why are you looking so sad?
Akpos: Sweetheart, I have a problem at my office.
Wife: Don’t say you have a problem. You should
say we have a problem because we are now married. Your problem is also my
problem.
Akpos: OK, we have a problem in our office.
Wife: And what is the problem, darling?
Akpos: Our secretary is pregnant for us.
Wife: Whaaat!!!
The wife fainted!
19. UNTRUST
WORTHY AKPOS
Wife: Give me your phone for a second.
Akpos: Wait let me switch it on.
Akpos
Delete video.
Delete picture.
Delete music.
Delete private folder
Delete number.
Delete sms.
Delete out goin calls.
Delete incomin calls.
Delete mms.
Delete what's app.
Delete bbm.
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
FORMAT Memory Card.
Here you go I have nothing to hide from u!!
Wife: I just wanted to see the time!
Akpos faints
20. TEN
ANIMALS
Akpos was busy sleeping in the class when the
lesson was going
on. The teacher caught him and asked him:
Teacher: Why are you sleeping while I was
teaching? You are not listening!
Akpos: Madam, your voice was so
sweet, that's why I slept off.
Teacher: Then why are others not sleeping?
Akpos: Because they are not listening.
Teacher: Ok, if you said you were listening, give
me 10 examples
of wild animals! Akpos: Hahahahahaha, na this I can’t
answer? Common ten examples of wild animals? Ma, the question is too cheap.
Teacher: Just answer it.
Akpos: Ok! Ten examples of wild animals are: 4 lions, 3 cobras, 2
tigers and 1 gorilla.
"Describe apkos in one word"
21. AKPOS
DAUGHTER
Akpors’ daughter returns home after 5 Years.
Akpors: Where the hell have you been all these
years?”
Daughter: I was working as a Prostitute in the
Vietnam.
Akpors: What!?.. Get out of my house, you whore, I
don’t want to see your face again do you understand?
Daughter(crying): Before I go Dad, I came to give
you #10million cheque, and here is #2million for my brother. I have bought
a big house in the states for you with everything in it including a Ferarri,
goodbye Dad”
Akpors (smilling ): Ah ah, my daughter, what kind
of work did you say you were doing in Vietnam again?
Daughter (weeping): Papa, I said prostitution!
Akpors: Aahhh, come and give your father a hug”,
I thought you said you were a “prosecutor”.
One word for Akpors this time around?
22. NEW CRK
TEACHER
A new CRK teacher, transferred to a JSS 2 class
during the mid term, wanted to know how well the students understood the
syllabus so far. He decided to start from the last topic the previous teacher
had taught, "Hello class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?" There
was a full minute of absolute silence. All the students just stared at him
blankly. The teacher then pointed at the students in the front desk to answer
the question. The students began responding.
Amos: "Sir I'm a new student here, I just
started this school last week."
John: "Sir the day the walls was broken, I
didn't come to school, I swear"
MARY: "Sir I only passed by the walls of
Jericho, I didn't even touch it, as it was already broken when I passed
it."
Rufus: "Sir, I didn't even know the walls
had been broken, until you mentioned it now."
The teacher became so shocked and infuriated,
"What!!!" He screamed. The Students began murmuring amongst themselves
that the new teacher is so mean. The teacher, shocked by their ignorance,
stormed to the principals office to tell him what happened. The principal
kindly responded, "Sorry about that. You know how mischievous these JSS
students can be? Always destroying things and later denying it. But be rest
assured, this matter would be fully investigated. Just write down the total
cost in fixing the said wall, and at the next PTA meeting the issue would be
discussed"
Who is more stupid, the students or the principal?
23. THE
FUNNIEST
Who is the fooliestst?
1. HAUSA man whoremoved his shoes toenter
ataxi.....
2. IGBO man who wentto the bank with aspanner to
open abank account.
3.YORUBA man whowent to bed with a rulerjust to
knowhow long he slept
4. A TIV man who watched the news and wave that
the news reader.
5.AN EFIK nurse who woke up a sleeping patient simply
because she forgot to give him sleeping pills....
6. AN IGALA man who lowered his TV volume because
he wanted to read a text message..
9. AN IKWERE man who polished his shoes to take a
passport photo.
10. AN ISOKO man who climbed a mango tree to check
if the mango was ripe enough then came down and started stoning it.....
11. A FULANI man who chose to drink Fanta because
he thought sprite was unripe
11.A GWARI man whosaw something thatlooked like
shit, touchedn tasted n said"Hmmm" na shit ooo!!!Thank God I no
matcham....
12.AN IDOMA man whoput his radio inside
therefrigeratorbecause he wanted tolisten to Cool FM...Hapi sunday!
24. OBSERVATION
First year
medical students were attending their first anatomy class.
They all gathered around the table and there was
a real dead body on
the table. The professor started by teaching them
two important qualities of a DOCTOR. The first is, 'Never be DISGUSTED about
anything in the body'. So he inserted his finger into the dead body's anus, put
the finger in his own mouth and tasted it. Then he asked the students to do same.
They hesitated for several minutes, but eventually everyone inserted their
fingers in the body's anus and tasted it, frowning. Then the professor looked
at them and said, 'The most important second quality is OBSERVATION. I inserted
my MIDDLE finger but tasted the 2nd finger. Now learn to pay attention!' All
the students fainted......
25. HOW
SMART ARE YOU?
If someone from
(1) Anambra is called 'Anambrarian'
(2) Imo is called 'Imolite'
(3) Abia is called 'Abian'
(4) Ebonyi is called 'Ebonyian'
(5) Enugu is called ..............?
Let's see who gets the right answer.
26. WELCOME
TO THE 21TH CENTURY!!!
*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tyres ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~ Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~ Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Attitude ~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~ Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless
*Children ~ Mannerless
*Women ~ Pantieless
*Single ~ Stressless [Just added this one]
Everything is becoming LESS but still our hopes
are ~ Endless. In fact, I am ~ Speechless!
27. STORY
Akpos:"Baby, I'm gonna tell you a story with
4 parts.Remember that, 4 parts!"
Ekaitte:"Alright love."
Akpos:"Okay, i'm gonna start with part 1.. There
was a husband and a wife, they were drivin 2 a campsite when they came upon a
split road.
The husband says"let's take the left
one." The wife says"I think we should
take the right road." Then the husband slaps
the wife across the face " who's driving, me or you?!" and they take
the left path."
Ekaitte: "Hahahahahahahahaha"
Akpos: "Now i'm gonna tell you
part 2..
Once they get to the campsite the husband goes
fishing so his wife
can cook their dinner. He comes back and the wife
says "good now I can cook fish soup for us to eat!" The husband says
"but I wanna
eat fried fish" The wife slaps the husband
across the face and says "who's cooking me or you?!" and they end up drinking
fish soup.
Ekaitte: "Oh crap!" lmao
Akpos:"Now I'm gonna tell you part 4"
Ekaitte:"What about part 3?!"
Akpos:[Landed Ekaitte hot slap across the face]
who's telling the
story you or me?
28.
PRESENTER AKPOS
PRESENTER AKPOS: What’s your contribution?
CALLER: There is this lady I wanted in my life
shortly after my NYSC, But all my efforts proved abortive. She wouldn't pick my
calls, she would laugh at me while passing by for reasons best known to her, 5
months
later, I was able to get an apartment, get a new
car courtesy of a contract job I secured with a major oil company. Now most of
the missed calls I have are hers, barrage of sms and all that. I am confused on
what
to do. Please advise me.
PRESENTER AKPOS: Listen up, give her a call
letting her know you will be at her house in 2hrs time. When it’s time call her
up and delay for another 2hrs. Take a cool Shower, wear a nice outfit and
attention catching perfume. When it’s time drive to her house, walk to her door
and knock, once she opens, with d sexiest smile you've got, look stylishly into
her eyes, draw her slowly to yourself, take your mouth close to her ear
And whisper ''THUNDER FIRE U'.
Pls is Akpos right or not?????
29. AKPOS
AND HIS FATHER
A boy was
with his father when he saw his girlfriend coming.
BOY: Have you come to collect your book titled;
"SPEAK
ENGLISH MY DAD DOESN'T UNDERSTAND IT?" by
Ngozi Okafor.
Girl: No, I want that our hymns called
"WHERE SHOULD I WAIT FOR YOU?"
Boy: I don't have that one... may be you should
take the other one "UNDER THE MANGO TREE" by Crooks.
Girl: Fine but don't forget to bring "I WILL
CALL YOU IN 5 MINS" while coming to school...
Boy: I will also bring this one too, "I
WON'T LET YOU
DOWN" by Chinua Achebe.
Then;
Dad: These are too many, will she read all of
them?
Boy: Yes dad, she is very smart.
Dad: Okay, don't forget to give her the one on
the table
titled, "I AM NOT STUPID, I UNDERSTOOD
EVERYTHING
YOU'VE BEEN SAYING" by Shakespeare!
Dont ever think u are wiser than your parents. .
30. NATIONAL
ANTHEM
Akpos was arrested by the police and taken to court.
Magistrate: Mr Akpos, you were arrested on the expressway
for abruptly stopping your car in the middle of the road and causing 10 other
vehicles behind you to run into one another thereby causing damages and
injuries, Are you guilty or not?
Mr Akpos: I'm not guilty sir. Magistrate: What is
your defence?
Mr Akpos:
I heard the national anthem on the car radio and as a good citizen, I stopped
immediately and stood at attention... Or has it been amended in d constitution
that we should stop paying attention 2 d national anthem? Oga magistrate...?
The magistrate becomes speechless…
31. ILLITRATE
WOMAN
An illiterate woman boarded a plane from Enugu to
Abuja. She was booked for an economy class seat, Just after the plane took-off,
the woman stood up and went to sit in the first class cabin. The flight
attendant went to ask her to go back and sit in economy class because that's
where the ticket allowed her to sit but she refused. She had paid and wanted
the best seat. Then the attendant informed the Jnr. pilot. The Jnr. pilot went
and spoke with the lady and she still refused. Then the Jnr. pilot went to inform
the Chief pilot. The Chief pilot said, I am married to an illiterate; I'll go
and talk to her. The Chief went and whispered some
words to the woman and she peacefully stood up
and went to her economy class seat. The attendant and Jnr. pilot surprisingly
asked, sir what did you tell her? The Chief pilot said: Easy guys, I just told
her that first class is not going to Abuja, only economy class is!!!
32. CUT N10 FOR ME
AKPOS was hungry and went to 'mai shayi' (men
selling tea and bread).
The following dialogue transpired between them:
AKPOS: You get loaf of bread?
ABOKI: yes
AKPOS: bring one; slice am into two and put two
sachet of butter in between
ABOKI: (happy and thanking God for bringing customer,
is quickly doing as he is instructed )
AKPOS: You get egg?
ABOKI: yes customer
AKPOS: fry 6 eggs put am inside the bread.
ABOKI: Okay customer
AKPOS: You get sardin for inside gongoni?
ABOKI: yes customer everything dey. AKPOS: put
two gongoni inside the bread. ABOKI: Okay customer (happy and doing as he is
told, already enthusiastic he'll make a lot of money 2day) AKPOS: you don
finish? Oya press the bread together for me. ABOKI: See am customer, i don
prepare am finish. AKPOS: OYA CUT N10 Naira OWN FOR ME!
33. WHO IS
A PHARMACIST
Teacher: Who is a pharmacist?
Akpors raised up his hand.
Teacher: So only Akpors knows the answer in this
class?
(There was no reply from the students)
Teacher: (Angrily) Ok now Akpors, go round the
class and give everybody two hard knocks on the head before telling us the
answer.
Akpors excitedly goes round with joy giving every
body the knock of their lives.
Teacher: Now, my dear Akpors tell this dumb
students who a pharmacist is?
Akpors: Yes, sir. A Pharmacist is a farmer who
assists people.
What do u think happened to Akpos??
34. LOTTERY
GAME
Akpos bought a 100 Naira ticket and won the
lottery. He went to Lagos to claim it. A man verified his ticket number. Akpos
said; I want my 20 million Naira. The man replied; No sir! It doesn't work that
way. We will give you a Million Naira today. You will get the rest within the
next 19 years. Akpos said; I want all the money now! I won it, and I want it. Again
the man patiently explained that he would only get a million naira that day and
the rest within the next 19 years. Akpos got furious and shouted; If you are
not going to give me my 20 million naira now. I want my 100 Naira back.
One word for Akpos.
35. MY
SALARY
TEACHER: Who is the President of Nigeria?
CHILDREN: (They all chorused) Lamido Sanusi!
TEACHER: Correct! Who is the Minister of Defence?
CHILDREN: Asari Dokubo!
TEACHER: Good! What is the capital city of
Nigeria?
CHILDREN: Enugu!
TEACHER: Very good! Who composed the National
Anthem?
CHILDREN: D-Banj and 2face!
TEACHER: Excellent. What do you call people from
Moscow?
CHILDREN: Mosquitoes!
TEACHER: Perfect! How much is 2 + 5?
CHILDREN: 25!
TEACHER: That's great! You're going to be stupid
like this until your government increases my salary! One word for this
teacher...
36. BOKO
HARAM FEAR IN THE CHURCH
One Sunday, armed boko haram memberentered a
church while the service was going on.
They asked the ushers to close every door and windows so that nobody can escape.
They counted the number of worshipers and they were 150. They told them they
would kill 100 out of these 150 members but in an alphabetical order starting
from the pastors. They approached the senior pastor and ask. What’s your name?
pastor said Zechariah Zwingina. the next pastor said Zebede Zacheus, the third
pastor said Zemmanuel Zwiliams. They approached the elders. The first one said
Zarepath Zolomon. The next one said Zalade Zomorin. The next one said Zetunji Zolusegun.
They approached the choir and the first chorister out of fear pointed to the
organist and said his name is Abraham Ahmadu. The Organist answered, he is
liar. My name is Zabraham Zahmadu. If you were in the congregation , what will
be your name?
37. ENGLISH
PASS ENGLISH
A professor drove into a petrol station in his
sleek state of the art Range
rover sports.
Professor: guy, abeg, who go attend to me, I wan
buy fuel
Fuel Attendant: Sir, I don't speak pidgin, I only
speak English
Professor: Ok! good morning, I currently feel a
profound desire to replenish the propelling of my motorized automobile. Therefore
I cordially request you to transfer from your subterranean reservoir a
sufficient quantity of the combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to
fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim.
Fuel Attendant: Oga na play I dey play o, how
much fuel you wan buy?
38. ZOO JOB
A man who was looking for a job? He noticed there
was an opening at the local zoo. Upon inquiry, he discovered the zoo had a very
unusual position that they wanted to fill. Apparently their gorilla had died,
and until they could get a new one, they needed someone to dress up in a
gorilla suit and act like a gorilla for a few days. He was to just sit, eat,
and sleep. Of course, his identity would be kept a secret, and no one would be
the wiser, thanks to a very fine gorilla suit. The zoo offered good pay for
this job, so the man decided to do it. He tried on the suit and sure enough, he
looked just like a gorilla. They led him to the cage; he took a position at the
back of the cage and pretended to sleep. But after a while, he got tired of
sitting so he walked around a little bit, jumped up and down and tried a few
gorilla noises. The people watching him seemed to really like that. When he
would move or jump around, they would clap and cheer and throw him peanuts. And
the man loved peanuts. So he jumped around some more and tried climbing a tree.
That seemed to really get the crowd excited. They threw more peanuts. Playing
to the crowd, he grabbed a vine and swung from one side of the cage to the
other. The people loved it and threw more peanuts. "Wow! This is
great," he thought.
He swung higher and the crowd grew bigger. He
continued to swing on the vine, getting higher and higher and then all of a
sudden, the vine broke! He swung up and out of the cage, landing in the lion's
cage that was next door. He panicked.
There was a huge lion not twenty feet away, and
it looked very hungry. So the man in the gorilla suit started jumping up and
down, screaming and yelling, "Help, help! Get me out of here! I'm not
really a gorilla! I'm a man in a gorilla suit! HELP!" The lion quickly
pounced on the man, held him down and said, OKECHUKWU NO FEAR, NA ME WILLIAMS
"be quit
39. SMART
DOCTOR
A doctor wrote on his new clinic: Any treatment
is 10000Naira and if we cannot treat, we will pay you 20000 Naira. Wanting the
20000 Naira for himself, intelligent Akpos came to the doc and said: I can’t
feel any taste. The doc asked a nurse to give Akpos a few drops of medicine
from box 22. Upon taking the drops, Akpos shouted “Oh STOP! it is urine!”
The doctor said “congratulations, your sense of
taste is back now”.
Akpos was very angry that he lost 10000Naira. He
came back two weeks later determined to get 20000 Naira. The following
conversation ensued between Akpos and the doc:
Akpos : I lost my memory.
Doctor: Nurse! Please give this man some drops of
medicine from box 22.
Akpos: Wait doctor but that medicine is for sense
of taste.
Doctor: Congratulations, your memory is back.
Akpos fainted
40. AKPOS
AND CHICKEN
Akpos was sent to deliver a chicken in Lagos. On
his way a careless okada made him to fall. The chicken immediately ran off.
When Akpos
saw the chicken running away, he started laughing.
When asked why he was laughing, he said "see this Mumu chicken, where does
she know in Lagos when the address is with me?" One word for Akpos...
41. TEACHER
BAND APKOS
TEACHER: Class, what is the chemical symbol for
Sodium?
AKPOS: Na sir.
TEACHER: What is the chemical symbol for Barium?
AKPOS: Ba sir.
TEACHER: What will you get if one atom of Ba is
added to two atoms of Na?
AKPOS: Banana sir. Describe akpo.
42. AKPOS
AND MAGICIAN
Akpors who has no wife, no child, no money, no
home, a blind mother infact very very poor. But one day he saw a magician1 who
promised to grant him only one wish.
Magician : tell me one thing Ɣou wish and i will
do it for u right now
Akpors : ok, i have just one wish, I want my
mother to see my wife caring two of my kids in my hammer jeep parked near the
swimming pool in one of my many mansions situated at london city.
•
•
magician Fainted!!
43. WHAT
WILL YOU DO?
Imagine an ATM machine dispensing cash without anybody
in front of it while u are passing by. What would u do?
A. Notify a staff of the bank.
B. Cancel the operation.
C. Press continue to withdraw.
D. Walk away
E. Alart the security officer.
Be sincere please
44. AKPOS
AND DAD
DAD: Akpos, if Mr John asks after me, tell him
I'm not around. How will you tell him when he comes, because I know you are
funny?
AKPOS: When he comes, I will say my daddy said I
should tell you he is not around.
DAD: Idiot! Just tell him, he is not around. Ok!?
AKPOS: Yes daddy. [When Mr John arrived...]
MR JOHN: Akpos, where is ur daddy?
AKPOS: He is not around.
MR JOHN: When is he coming back?
AKPOS: Wait let me go and ask him he didn't tell
me.
(Rushed into the room, shouting, daddy, daddy,
when are u coming back?)
45. TROUBLE
AKPOS
A Guy Akpos rushed into a bar and said; Bar man,
quick, give me one bottle of beer before the trouble start. The bar man gave
him and he finished it at once. He said again; Quick, give me another bottle of
beer
before the trouble start. The bar man gave him
and he drank all of it.
The bar man asked; When is the trouble going to
start? Akpos replied; Any moment from now, because, i don't have money.
One word for Akpos.
46. DEAD
AKPOS
Police Men were chasing a thief, Akpos that escaped
from prison at night.
Akpos ran into a nearby cemetery, stripped naked
and sat on a grave.
When the police got there, they asked; Did you
see anybody that ran past you?. Akpos replied; No. I'm a visitor. I was buried
yesterday. The heat is too much inside my grave. I came outside to receive
fresh air.
The police men took to their heels....
47. AKPOS
AND HIS BROTHER
Akpos On Phone With His Elder Brother.
Akpos: (Breathing Heavily) Hello Bros!
Elder Brother: What happened?
Akpos: (Sobbing) He's dead!
Elder Brother: (Shocked) Who is dead?
Akpos: He's dead o.
Elder Brother: (So Shocked Thinking That It Is
Their Father Or A Member Of Their Family That Is Dead) I say who is dead?
Akpos: He's Dead o.
Elder Brother: (Shouts On The Phone) Who is Dead?
Akpos: The chicken that you bought for us for
Christmas is dead.
One word for Akpos
48. SMART
AKPOS
1.He who fights and run away?
Akpos: E don surrender be dat na, na fear catch
am 2.
2.A rolling stone?
Akpos: No fit just dey roll, na person push am.
3.He who lives in a glass house?
Akpos:Na rich politician e go be.
4.A stitch in time?
Akpos: Dey prevent further tear tear.
5.Birds of the same feather?
Akpos: Na the same mama born them.
6.One good turn?
Akpos: Na correct power steering fit do am.
7.A bird in hand?
Akpos: Wetin e wan be again if nobe barbeque. Dem
plenty for chicken republic.
8.Half bread is better than?
Akpos: Puff puff, buns or garri without sugar.
9.A journey of a thousand miles?
Akpos: Na d person wahala be dat na, Why e no
enter car or aeroplane jeje?
10. He who laughs last?
Akpos: Get brain problem. Make dem examine am,
becos na begining of madness be dat.
11. A patient dog?
Akpos: Na hunger go kill am.
12. All work and no play?
Akpors: Na bank job be dat bros.
13. Once beaten?
Akpos: Na revenge go follow be dat.
14. A fool at forty?
Akpos: U never see Naija own, our own starts @ 50
49. AKPOS
DEY FOLLOW INSTRUCTION DIE
Akpors’ elder brother, Rukewe, traveled to London
months ago, leaving behind Akpors, their aged mom & their pet cat, kelly. Last
week Rukewe called from London to know how they’re doing…
RUKEWE: Akpors how una dey now, how kelly?
AKPORS: Kelly done die.
RUKEWE (after a pause): Akpors you for use small
small reveal dis kind bad news na. U for jus say d cat fall inside well but
neighbors de try comot am. Den when I call again, u go say e break neck small
but vet doctor dey try revive am. Den when I call again, u go say dem try their
best but dem no fit save am. Na so dem dey reveal bad news in a mature way. You
hear me?
AKPORS: Yes bros no p.
RUKEWE: Ok. how mama na?
AKPORS: Bros. mama sef fall inside well o, but
neighbors dey try comot am. (Phone cuts). Rukewe has been admitted in a private
hospital in London after going into coma.
50. AKPOS
& HIS NEW ONLINE CHICK!!!
Akpos: Hi babe, wasup?
Girl: i'm cool thanks!
Akpos: u're welcm, i'll like 2 knw u wella
Girl: i'm Tichick, 19, slim & dark from Lasgidi.
Akpos: babe u're the kind of girl i like.
Akpos continues: babe actually, my name is James Ovie
Akpororo but my friends call me Akpos. I am 59 years old, I live in No16 Church
street, Oshodi, Lagos. I have a supermarket @ 12 Femi
Johnson street, Mushin, Lagos. Babe I like dating young girls like you. You can
call me on 08028264598...
Girl: but oga u're a family man. How will ur wife
& daughter feel if they see me with u. Or don't u think its wrong?
Akpos: babe dont even mention my useless daughter
& her wayward mother here. They're on their own & I have my life to
live.
Girl: its ok then. But do u care to know more about
me?
Akpos: babe
give me ur full detail including ur bank account number
Girl: well, my full name is Augustina James Akpororo,
i'm a primary 6 student of Gov't School. my mum's name is Gladys Akpororo, she
sell fish @mushin. My father's name is James Ovie Akpororo, he is a gateman
@oshodi where we both live.
Akpos: Tina, so it is you!
Girl: Papa, so it is you!
Akpos: Your mother must hear this
Girl: Papa, mama is here o. LMAO
51. AKPOS
AND UNCLE
Akpos went to Abuja to see his uncle. He got to
his uncle’s office very early by 8am and the secretary said he should come back
by 2pm that Oga is not around. So, Akpos had to hang around till 2 pm. By 1pm,
hunger was wiring Akpos. He had not eaten since morning and only had N200 in
his pocket. There was no bukka around the to eat swallow or rice, only big big
hotels. Akpos began to feel dizzy so he decided to find a solution. He looked
around and saw a fantastic 5 star hotel. He adjusted himself, cleaned his dusty
shoe, wiped his oily face with hanky and entered the hotel with confidence. In
d lobby, the receptionist at the front desk said: are u here to see somebody or
you want to lodge? Akpos said confidently “lodging!”. The hotel receptionist
said the cheapest room here
is N47k per night. Akpos: “no problem dis place
is lovely, just like the
hotel I slept at yesterday in Dubai on my way
from United states. Receptionist said “thank you sir“. Akpos said: But can I
pay in hard currency as I've not changed my dollars?
Receptionist: No problem sir
Akpos: but first, where is your restaurant I want
to eat before I go up to the room. They showed Akpos to the restaurant and told
the chef to treat him well cos he was a new customer that just came back from
US! The chef welcomed him and gave him the menu. Akpos first ordered appetiser,
2 bowls of assorted pepper soup with a bottle of red spanish wine. Total cost
N18k. Next for the main meal, Akpos ordered pounded yam, efo riro with snail
and catfish! - N15k. Akpos total bill was
now N33K but Akpos only had N200 They cleared his
empty plate away and brought the bill. Akpos began to sweat even inside cold
air conditioned room. The waiter came twice to the table, Akpos waved him away
that he was still relaxing after the heavy meal. The staff began to suspect
Akpos, that he didn’t have money, they called security and gathered round him. Akpos
looked at all of them quietly, then he brought out one his phones and used it
to dial another one in his pocket which was on silent.
Akpos (on the phone): Ehen, is it time? Yes na,
the bomb is still with me not yet exploded. …In 2 minutes? Of course, no
problem, I will detonate it on time. I‘m proud to be suicide bomber, and there
are many people where I am, so the impact will be even better. Yes o.
Government will have no choice but to listen to our cause. Before Akpos even
dropped phone, the restaurant had cleared. As he walked out of the restaurant,
nobody was in the lobby. Even street sef empty!
One word for akpos!?!
52. MY
DESTINY IS MY HANDS
Akpos went to a native doctor and requested to
know how bright his destiny would be. The native doctor drew a circle with a
white chalk and another circle with a black chalk. After that, he placed a dead
millipede on the floor and asked Akpos to watch carefully. He said he would
recite some incantation to make the dead millipede start crawling. He told
Akpos dat if the millipede crawls into the white circle, it means that his
destiny will be bright but if it crawls inside the black circle, it means his
destiny will be dark. Finally he started his incantation and the dead millipede
started crawling. When it got in between the two circles, it turned and started
crawling towards the black circle. Akpos watched and immediately it was about
entering the black circle, Akpos picked it and gently dropped it inside the
white circle. The native doctor who got furious asked Akpos why he did that,
Akpos replied;i won't fold my arms & watch my destiny crawl into darkness
bcos my destiny is in my hands.
One word for akpos
53. MUMU
AKPOS
GIRLFRIEND : (Low Voice) Sweety, Last night I had
a dream about you.
:
Akpors: (excited) Oooh, Tell me Something
Honey... :
GIRLFRIEND: I dreamt We were traveling in a bus,
Suddenly the bus lost control and fell in the river. Everyone swam to save their
life, but you were still swimming and searching for someone.
Akpors: (with luv): Oh,
Definately, i was searching for You..Right?"
: GIRLFRIEND: (Frown) NO, You were shouting,
Conductor! Conductor!!, Please, Give me My Change before You Died…
54. AKPOS
AND SONIA
Sonia:
Hey-
Akpos: Who’s Hey?, don’t ever call me hey again!
Sonia: Sorry! My Love, how are you doing??
Akpos: I’m Fine! And You??
Sonia: I’m fine, but I need something from you
Akpors: What???
Sonia: Sweetie please could you SEND me 15k?
Akpos: 15k for what??
Sonia: 5k for my Cloth, 7k for my Hair and 3k for
my Shoe
Akpos: sure my love,
k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k.count it, its complete and take extra 2k. k,k
that’s for your perfume, I didn’t like the
way your Body smells Last Night.
One Word For Akpos?
55. AKPOS
AND LION
Akpo was walking in a bush when he suddenly saw a
lion in front of him.
He knelt down praying God to deliver him. When he
opened his eyes, he saw the lion kneeling also and praying.. Then Akpo asked the
lion. "are You are also religious?" The lion
replied..."shutup!!!! dont you pray before u eat!!!!!" haha..wat do u
think happened????
56. UNFAITHFULL
AKPOS
Akpos spent the night with his mistress and comes
back in the morning.
WIFE: Where have you been? Where did you sleep?
AKPOS: At Johnny's place, he lost his sister.
WIFE: OK...you can eat your food, I'm going to
the bathroom.
[After bathing]
WIFE: I'm going out...
AKPOS: Where are you going to?
WIFE: To Johnny's, need to check how they are
doing.
AKPOS: Honey, they called the time you were
bathing and told me she rose from the dead!
57. LIKE
FATHER LIKE SON
Papa Akpos got drunk & came home very late. He
sat on the door step for thirty minutes trying to figure out what to tell his
harsh and super strict wife - Ekaitte the reason for his lateness. He gained
courage, opened the door and found Ekaitte and his son (Akpos) watching a late
Night movie. He passed them and went upstairs, his heart pounding hard. To his
surprise, his wife didn't say a word. Just to confirm, he decided to walk past
them, and again back to the upstairs corridor. But his wife didn't say a word. He
signal Akpos to come.
And he asked him;
"How come today your mother isn't speaking?.
or even uttering a word!"
Akpos replied; "She asked me for lipstick
and I gave
her glue"
58. THREE
FRIENDS
Three
friends Akpos, Rukewe and Oghene decided to go for a picnic. Rukewe packs the
picnic basket with drinks and sandwiches. Oghene carried the basket and they
set out for the park 10km away. It takes them 2 hours to get there. When they
arrived, Oghene found out that Rukewe did not pack the bottle opener. They
begged Akpos to make the 4 hour trip to go for the opener. He disagreed. "You'll
finish the sandwiches before I return", Akpos protested. "No we
won't'", assured Rukewe. After some more cajoling from them, Akpos
reluctantly sets out for the opener. After 5 hours, there was no sign of Akpos.
They decided to wait for another 3 hours, still no sign of Akpos. After waiting
for more than 8 hours they were now very hungry so they decided to take one
sandwich each. As they were about to eat, Akpos pops out from behind a rock
screaming "I KNEW IT! I'M NOT GOING AGAIN!!!"
59. MIND
YOUR BUSINESS
A boy was in a taxi eating chocolate, then he
took another one then a man next to him said "do u know that chocolate
will damage your teeth".
The boy replied "my grandfather lived 132
years". The man asked "was it because of eating chocolate?" The
boy replied "NO he was always minding his own business!"
60. AKPOS
AND WIFE
"Argument between akpors and the wife" Akpors
and his wife were arguing about man and woman,,,who is greater. These are there
conversations... Wife: men are the head but women are the neck, without the neck,
the head cannot stand, men where created out of dust but women were created out
of flesh. and flesh is stronger than the dust. also....."anything man
do.......woman can do it better. And in the life of any successful man there
must be a woman.
Akpors: a woman is not complete without a man
because you cannot spell "woman" without "man". You cannot
spell "she" without "he". Nor "mrs" without
"mr" Nor "madam" without "adam". and why is it
that we say "Amen" in the church instead of "Awomen".
Vote akpors and his wife. Who won?
61. AKPOS
AND MONEY
Akpos mistakenly sent 800 Thousand Naira to a
wrong phone number via Mobile Money. Akpos realized that before the person withdraws
the whole money, he had to think of what to do if he wants to get his money
back. To the person phone number. He immediately sent a text: Hi Boss, i hope
you are okay. I hope you’ve received the money i sent you for the introduction ceremony
of joining Illuminati Satanism scheduled to happen at 12midnight. That money is
only for transport. I will send you
more for pocket money and there are riches
awaiting you. Remember to carry a syringe and needle meant to draw your blood
every 20 minutes. Please don’t be late because the devil will be present to
officiate the ceremony. Thanks in advance. But in case you are not ready to
join, please send back the money. 4 Minutes later. Akpos gets a Mobile Money
message – You have received 800 Thousand Naira for your mobile money account.
One word for Akpos
62. THREE
PASTORS
Three Pastors met and agreed to sincerely tell
each other their problems which must be kept as a secret between the three of
them. The First Pastor Said: My problem is money I do steal even from the
church offerings please pray for me. The Second Pastor Said: Mine is women,
whenever I see any woman my desire will be to go bed with her. In fact I have
slept with most of my female church members. Turning to the Third Pastor to
hear his problem he started crying. It took his friends some effort to calm
him. When they asked Him to continue he was still crying, He said "My
problem is GOSSIPING when we leave this place everybody will hear all what the
two of you have just told me? Please Pray For me." The Two Pastors
Fainted!
63. BOKO
AKPOS
A man was on a taxi chatting on Whatsapp with a
lady. Akpos who was sitting close to him was looking at his chat. The man
became uncomfortable and then decided to change the chat style. He typed; Oga
please tell Kabiru Sokoto or Abu Qaqa that i only took two of the bomb we just
manufactured for this operation. Let them know as well that i may find it
difficult to get to the target destination before the bombs explode because
there is terrible traffic jam now but nevertheless, i am very sure casualty
figure will be high since we are five in our taxi and all the vehicles in the
traffic will be affected too. We have less than 3 minutes before the bomb
explodes. As agreed, take care of my children. Bye bye.
Akpos without allowing the taxi to stop jumped
down and ran away.
One word for Akpos
64. AKPOS
IN HOTEL
Akpos just got a job as a porter in a five star
hotel in Abuja. The manager told him:"...in here we give every customer
personalized services and you have to be very observant so you know how to
address their every need even before they ask" Before the manager could
finish, a couple walked through the hotel entrance and the manager quickly approached
them, nicely took their baggage and said, "Welcome Mr & Mrs James, it
is our delight to have you in our hotel. Please come this way to the
reception"
... and he led them to the reception. After the
couple had been taken care of, Akpos asked the manager, "Has the couple
been visiting this hotel before?" "No" came the reply from the
manager. "So how come you knew their name?" asked Akpos. "That
is why I told you to be very observant. All I had to do was quickly look at the
label on their baggage while I'm taking it from them and see the name on the
tag". "Oh, here comes another couple. Why don't you give it a
try?" "Ok" said Akpos and he hurriedly approached the couple,
helped them with their luggage and said, "Welcome Mr & Mrs SUPERIOR
HAND MADE LEATHER! We are delighted to have you in our hotel..."
The manager fainted!
65. THREE
UNIVERSITY STUDENTS
Three University student didn't write an exam
because they did not study. They came up with a plan, got themselves dirty
using grease then went to see the Dean. "Sir we are sorry we couldn't make
it to then exam. We attended a wedding and on our way back the car broke down
thus we became so dirty as you can see." The Dean understood and gave them
three days to prepare. After three days they went to the Dean very ready for
the exam because they had studied. The Dean put them in there separate classes.
There were only four questions in the exam paper:
1. Who and who got married? (25 mks)
2. Where was the reception held? (25mks)
3. Where exactly did the car break down? (25mks)
4. What type of car broke down? (25mks)
Note: Your answers must be the same. Good luck
66. BETTER
THIS WAY
An elderly man boarded a bus in lagos with a
pretty girl sitting close to him. A young man wanted to light a cigarette in
the bus.
MAN: What is wrong with you young man, why would
you light a cigarette in this bus? Do you want to kill this pretty girl here.
YOUNG MAN: Sorry sir...he put off the light.
After a long time in the traffic without
movement, the pretty girl stretched with her hands in the air and a serious
odour came out from her armpit. Immediately the elderly man said to young man.
MAN: Light the ciga!
YOUNG MAN: Sir?
MAN: Are u deaf? I say light the ciga!!!
YOUNG MAN: Ok sir. [He lit d cigarette]
MAN: Blow it to my nose, bloooow it!!!
YOUNG MAN: Yes sir.
MAN: It is better to die this way than to die
that way!
67. MAKE THEM
UGLY AGAIN
A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy
road, burst into flames, and killed everyone. Upon arrival in heaven, God says
"Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I
let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on
her looks, comes up to God and says
"I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can't
decide on what to wish for so ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point
Akpos who was last on the queue starts to laugh. The next couple of people make
their wish to become beautiful and Akpos laughs even louder. One after the
other the people wish the same thing and the closer God gets to the end of the
line, the harder Akpors laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks
"What is your wish my son?" Akpos said "MAKE THEM UGLY
AGAIN"
68. NIGERIAN
POLICE
Omo, police don upgrade oh, dis na d call center
numba 112. There was a robbery in my neighbour's house and I called them...
next thing I heard was. Welcome to Nigeria Police Emergency Center... for
English press. 1, for Igbo press 2, for Yoruba press 3. Then I pressed 1...
then another voice came up....For Car Accident press 1, for Armed Robbery press
2, for Boko haram please hang up...Den I pressed 2, another voice came up...If
they're with knives press 1, pistols press 2, AK 47 press 3, machine guns press
4, bomb press 5, all of the above press 6...Then I checked and saw they were
with all of them then I pressed 6... another a voice came up saying...
Hmmmm...! My brother, if your brother dey police
u go gree make im come
69. NIGERIAN
AND LAWYER
An American lawyer and a Nigerian are sitting
next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer believes that Nigerians are so
dumb that he could put something over on them easily, So the lawyer asks if the
Nigerian would like to play a fun game. The Nigerian is tired and just wants to
take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The
American lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask
you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask
me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says. This
catches the Nigerian's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to
play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance
from The Earth to the Moon?" The Nigerian doesn't say a word, reaches in
his pocket pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Nigerian's turn. He asks the
lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with
four?" The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could
find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no
avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the
Nigerian and hands him $500. The Nigerian pockets the $500 and goes right back
to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the
Nigerian up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and
comes down with four?"
The Nigerian reaches in his pocket, hands the
lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
70. AKPOS
AND RUKEWE
Akpors, John and Rukewe were stranded in the
Sahara desert, when they saw a bottle of Wine. They were so happy because they
hadn't taken a drink in days. They decided to share the drink equally among
themselves.
John would take the top One-third, Rukewe would
take the second, and Akpors would take the last. Since it was evening, they
decided to keep it till the next morning, before drinking. Then they made
themselves swear not to steal the wine. The next morning, the bottle of wine
was empty. After cross examination, Akpors admitted he drank it. They asked him
why and he said, "I woke up in the middle of the night, and was thirsty.
But since my portion was at the bottom of the bottle, I had to drink through
yours to get to it"
Please is Akpors at fault?
71. AKPOS
AND TEACHER
A new science teacher walks into the classroom. Akpos
asks the new teacher "Excuse ma, if you mix Omo and Klin, will there be
foam?" Teacher responds "Yes of course, why ask such a silly question
at the beginning of the year, are you going to pass this class at all?"
Akpos laughs and whispers to the other kids,
"such a dumb teacher, how can you get foam without adding water, are we
going to learn anything at all from this teacher?"
72. AKPOS
AND RATS
AKPOS: I'm in big trouble!
JOHNNY: Why is that?
AKPOS: I saw a mouse in my house!
JOHNNY: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a
trap.
AKPOS: I don't have one.
JOHNNY: Well then, buy one.
AKPOS: Can't afford one.
JOHNNY: I can give you mine if you want.
AKPOS: That sounds good.
JOHNNY: All you need to do is just use some
cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
AKPOS: I don't have any cheese.
JOHNNY: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put
a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
AKPOS: I don't have oil.
JOHNNY: Well, then put only a small piece of
bread.
AKPOS: I don't have bread.
JOHNNY: Then what is the mouse doing in your
house!?
73. ELECTIONS
Here is a conversation between three men about
elections in their respective countries:
1ST MAN (An American):In my country, the winner
of an election is announced a five hours after the election.
2ND MAN (A Chinese): My country is better, in my
country, the winner of an election is announced an hour after the election.
3RD MAN (A Nigerian): My country is the best. The
winner has already been announced even before any election.
74. PASTOR
AKPOS
Akpos was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
At the 3rd time the Priest said : "You are now baptized, you are a new creation.
The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Godspower."
Godspower went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Beer,
dipped it in water 3 times and said : "You are now a new creation, the old
one is gone. Your new name is Orange Juice!" cheers was he right?
75. AKPOS
AND DEATH
One fateful day, Mr. Death came to Akpos
DEATH: Akpos, today is your day
AKPOS: But I am not ready!
DEATH: Well your name is the next on my list.
AKPOS: Okay why don't you take a seat and I will
get you something to eat before we go?
DEATH: All right.
Akpos gave death some food with sleeping pills in
it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. Akpos took the list and
removed his name from top of the list and put it at the bottom of the list.
When death woke up he smiled and said to Akpos,
"Because you have been very nice to me, I will start from the BOTTOM of
the list"
76. THREE
FRIENDS
Akpos, Ken and Seth went to rob a supermarket at
night. They decided not to give an answer to any question if they were
unfortunately caught. A neighbor saw them, called the police and unfortunately
for them they were caught.
POLICE:[to Ken] What's your name?
There was no answer.
POLICE:[to Seth] What's your name?
He didn't respond either.
POLICE:[to Akpos] What's your name?
AKPOS: Ken and Seth did not mention their names
why should I?
77. TAKE MY
LOAD
Akpos was on his way to school when he alighted
at station he was supposed to take taxi to the school
AKPOS: How much is the fare to the campus?
DRIVER: Two Cedis.
AKPOS: What about my load?
DRIVER: I will take no money for that.
AKPOS: Then take my load to the school I can
walk.
78. COMPARISONS
1 boring monday morning, Mr. Tinko the English teacher
enter Akpos class and addressed them.
He started: lets show the principal and our quest
how much we have learnt so far this year. Lets do some comparisions……So i say
small, you
Say small, smaller, smallest.. [we all nodded,
looking very tired]
Mr. Tinko: big
Akpos Class: big, bigger ,biggest
Mr. Tinko: clean
Akpos Class: clean, cleaner, cleanest..
Mr. Tinko: tall…
Akpos Class: tall, taller, tallest
Mr. Tinko: Mr. Tinko smiled and said: very good
Akpos Class: very good, very gooder, very goodest
Mr. Tinko: oh gosh.
Akpos Class: oh gosh, oh gosher, oh goshest
Mr. Tinko: stop it now
Akpos Class: stop it now, stop it nower, stop it nowest
Mr. Tinko: oh please…
Akpos Class: oh please, oh pleaser, oh pleasest…
Mr. Tinko: look at me!!
Akpos Class: look at me, look at me-er, look at
me-est
Mr. Tinko: what a disgrace.
Akpos Class: what a disgrace, what a disgracer, what
a disgracest
Mr. Tinko: [so furious]:i don die
Akpos Class: i don die,.. i don dier, i don diest
79. AKPOS
AND TEACHER
Teacher:If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits
and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Akpos: Seven!
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give
you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have
you got?
Akpos: Seven!
Teacher: Let’s try this another way. If I give
you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you
got?
Akpos: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and
two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Akpos: Seven!
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three
lots of two rabbits is seven?
Akpos: I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!
80. ILLITRATE
FATHER
An illiterate Father with his Educated son, Dumbo
went on a camping trip. They set up their tent & fell asleep. Somehours
later, Father wakes his Son,Dumbo up & asks ” Look up to the sky & tell
me what you see?”
Dumbo:“I see millions of stars.”
Papa Dumbo:“What does that tell you?
Dumbo:“Astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of Galaxies & Planets.”
Papa Dumbo slaps Dumbo hard & says, “You
idiot! Pesin don thief our Tent.
81. HUSBAND
AND WIFE
Husband(AKPOS)working in UK wrote to his wife in
India.
Dear Sunita Darling, I can't send you my salary
this month becausethe global market crisis has affected my Company's
performance, so I am sending 100kisses. You are my sweetheart, please
understand and adjust with this situation. Your loving husband Akpos,
His wife replied Hey hubby Thanks for the 100
kisses.
Below is the list of expenses I paid with the
Kisses
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one
month's milk.
2. The electricity man, agreed not to disconnect
only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3
kisses instead of
the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses
only,so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I still have a
balance of 35 kisses and
I hope I can survive the month using this
balance.
Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Your Sweet Heart
82. PASTOR
AND DEMON
A Pastor was praying 4 a man possessed with demons
and said, In da name of Jesus, What do you want from this man, Speak up before
i cast u out this moment!!!The demon answered, I want him 2 win the America
lotto draw worth$200 billion 2nyt..Then pastor lowers the microphone and
whispered, Get out of him and enter into me......
83. AKPORS
BEST MATHEMATICIAN
Teacher: Prove that 2/10 = 2
Japanese student: Wrong question.
Chinese student: No Way
American student: It's strange, how is it
possible !!
AKPOS: I can solve it very easily sir,
Two / Ten = wo / en
( T with T cancel )
w = 23rd letter
o = 15th letter
e = 5th letter
n = 14th letter
So,
23+15 / 5+14
= 38 / 19
= 2
Answer is 2 sir
Teacher: Confused and Fainted!!!
Describe Akpos in One Word
84. A
CHINESE, AMERICAN AND NIGERIAN MAN
A chinese man, American man and a nigerian man (MR
Akpos) were traveling by sea suddenly d Devil appeared and said 2 dem,
"drop anytin on d sea water,if i can find it, i wil eat u buh if I dn't i
wil be ur slave".
D chinese man dropped a coin, devil found it and ate
him,. D American man drop a pin, Devil found it and ate him,. Now its d turn of
d Nigerian man Akpos who hails 4rm Warri, Akpos brought out his bottle water,
and pour a drop on d sea and said, "oya devil, today nah today, u don jam,
quickly find am".. Devil collapse…
# DON'T LAUGH ALONE SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS
# DON'T LAUGH ALONE SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS
0 comments:
Post a Comment